you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
