he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
