I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
