I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
