I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
