It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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