you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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