So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
