I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Randomize
