life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
is wine microwaveable?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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