His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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