this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
