The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
All the doctor said was why
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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