Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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