Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I just pynch a tree in the face
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
