I wish I only lived at night.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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