its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
