hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
