Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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