I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
