When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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