matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
