There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
