Last Night in Denmark (+45)

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  Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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  You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?

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  The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.

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  The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!

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  ... that would be easier though.

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  Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?

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  Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.

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  I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned

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  Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!

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  I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..

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  The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.

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  He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful

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  The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.

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  Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??

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  I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!

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