Last Night in Arizona (928)

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  I don't like kids.

  (928): View more from Arizona

  You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago

  (702): View more from Nevada

  I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  I got conspiracy theory drunk.

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.

  (1-928): View more from Arizona

  DO IT!

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...

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