Last Night in Maryland (443)

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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