Last Night in North Dakota (701)

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  You were always a thinker

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...

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