Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
