you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
