two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
