Last Night in Texas (972)

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• (972): View more from Texas

  I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.

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• (972): View more from Texas

  Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.

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• (972): View more from Texas

  I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.

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• (972): View more from Texas

  I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.

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• (972): View more from Texas

  I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?

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• (972): View more from Texas

  **i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**

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• (972): View more from Texas

  Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.

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• (972): View more from Texas

  I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.

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• (972): View more from Texas

  If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.

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• (972): View more from Texas

  The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

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• (972): View more from Texas

  Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?

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• (214): View more from Texas

  Nothing says love like couples STD testing

  (972): View more from Texas

  Nothing says breakup like the results

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• (972): View more from Texas

  Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.

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• (972): View more from Texas

  Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT

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