Last Night in United Kingdom (+44)

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  Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!

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  Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??

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  That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.

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  The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.

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  he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?

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  last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings

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  My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??

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  One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'

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  Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.

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  He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.

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  You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.

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  You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.

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  I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success

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  Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.

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  Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey

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