My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
