i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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