I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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