is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
