someone threw a dead crab at me
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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