rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
