Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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