ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I need a beard to bite.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
