grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
