Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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