You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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