You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize