well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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