Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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