I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We are two peas in an std pod
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
