He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
