Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
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