i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
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