I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
