I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
