i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
