ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
