She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
