my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he told me I talked like a deaf person
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
