Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
