How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize