There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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