I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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