her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
