Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
