I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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