What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
