My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
